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Abusive relationships are very devastating to your sense of self and it can take quite a while to unravel yourself from the abusive messages and control that you’ve been subjected to.

Relationships where there’s been a lot of future faking going down and red flags missed will also take longer especially if you become suspended in disbelief about the truths that you’ve discovered.

Stuff that undermines your efforts will have you depleting whatever reserves you have left and if you persist in holding on making yourself emotionally bankrupt – something has to give, and that something is Much like relationships, getting over a breakup doesn’t just ‘happen’ – they take work.

While it is understandable to initially bunk off work, be anti-social, sob into your tea and biccies or whatever at home, get miserably drunk, and essentially hold yourself a pity party for a month or so, doing it on an extended basis is basically wallowing and removing your own accountability to take care of yourself and work your way through the breakup.

You also have to factor in that particularly with unhealthy pairings, they don’t it easy to move on from them because they often like to pop up in your life and keep a foothold.

But this is why you have to go back to the fact that you and only you are in charge of your experience and that you have to steer yourself out of the breakup waters into the calmer sea of acceptance.

If you’re still talking about the same thing, it means you’re not processing.

Next thing you know, you’re hijacked by nostalgia or blame, obsessing, or even dialling or texting them.

One of the things that will stall the process of letting go is if there is an underlying fear of ‘what happens next’. When I don’t have them to cry and complain over and to think about morning, noon and night, what am I going to do then?

Likewise, we can actually get to being in pain and grieving and so even when it starts to feel better, when we have a good day where we don’t think about them, we follow it up with days of thinking about them to compensate.

It’s as if our purpose has become to feel hurt and hold onto the pain of letting go of them.

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